World Cup Watch Party: Week 2
Soccer is magic. Witch doctors, golden generations, Messi and Ronaldo, mysterious nighttime visitors that set entire careers in motion, and more
Hello, and welcome to week two of my World Cup Watch Party. If you’re new here, you can catch up on week one here.
Now let’s do one of those big countdowns from 10 that they’ve been doing before every kickoff.
10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1!!!!
Harry Kane Might Have Actually Been Cursed
Nil-nil in the 86th minute of England v. Ghana. Ghana has been sitting back and letting England do most of the attacking all game. Reece James floats a ball into the box that finds the head of Nico O’Reilly. O’Reilly’s header agonizingly doinks off the woodwork and somehow bounces right into the middle of the action, where Harry Kane, England’s captain and all-time greatest goalscorer is miraculously the first one to it.
And he skies it.
I yelled at home. Ah! The fans yelled in the stadium, no doubt the entire island of Great Britain yelled either in disbelief or amusement, depending on where you were.
The thing is, Harry Kane simply doesn’t miss things like that. We’ve seen countless goals from him. Actually, it’s not countless. It’s 2 goals for Leicester City, 5 goals for Leyton Orient, 9 goals for Millwall, 280 goals for Tottenham Hotspur, 143 goals for Bayern Munich and 81 goals for the England senior squad. Final count? Countless.
Kane is arguably the most complete striker on Earth, and that’s not even my incredibly biased opinion as one of his close personal friends and what one of my friends has called a “Harry Kane Truther” in our fantasy soccer chat. He just is that good.
So, it does seem like the only reasonable explanation for this is that he was cursed.
A Ghanaian witch doctor named Nana Kwaku Bonsam posted a video cursing Harry Kane before the Black Stars of Ghana took on England in Massachusetts. This guy, apparently, took credit for Cristiano Ronaldo being injured in 2014.
Kane described the moment after the game, sounding a lot like a guy who was cursed for a minute.
““I don’t know what happened, honestly. The moment the ball arrived at my feet, I felt a bit dizzy and suddenly the goalposts looked bigger than I’ve ever seen them before. Somehow, that only made the miss even worse.”
Bonsam has since said that he’s released Kane from the curse, so it’s safe to assume that England will get the job done against the already-eliminated Panama on Saturday.
It’s silly and fun. It adds some non-sports lore to the World Cup, not that soccer needed any more drama. It does make you think, though. These online witches have been successful lately. You can Google it.
And, come to think of it, what does Harry Kane do when he does score a goal? What is his celebration? It’s a celebration I’ve seen countless – countless – times, and could recreate it by memory. He shoots, he scores, and he runs like this:
Huh.
Let’s Hear It for the Ducks
By the end of this tournament, I expect every team to have its own duck mascot.
Mexico has Merlin, who belongs to a street vendor in Mexico City and walks around in his own little Mexico kit.
And Scotland has Donny, who has led a parade of bagpipes in Providence, RI.
I have a tattoo of a duck on my leg. If the US miraculously wins this whole thing, maybe I’ll add an Uncle Sam hat or something.
They’re Bullying Alexi Lalas Now
Listen, Thierry Henry is far too classy to even offer some witty retort to something Alexi Lalas says. He doesn’t have to. This past week, Zlatan has been more vocal, clearly leaning into the fact that the common viewer hates Lalas’s guts and Zlatan is taking the populist route by making little digs at him, like saying “America, you’re welcome,” when Rebecca Lowe announces he’s not in the broadcast studio that day.
But Henry is not that guy. Henry doesn’t have to be that guy by nature of his resume and his skill. And it’s through that skill that he did what I think will be the most overt anti-Lalas moment we get from Henry. He let his ability do the talking for him.
There was a fun clip of Henry and Zlatan going back and forth with keepy-uppy tricks, making it all look effortless and doubly cool by wearing suits. The studio put Elvis in the background, but I think they should’ve put “Weapon of Choice” by Fatboy Slim and rebooted the Christopher Walken dance routine.
Watch the clip, and see if you can see the moment I’m talking about:
It’s at the very beginning. Henry is dribbling and fakes a pass to Lalas, who, like a stooge, readies his instep to receive the pass, only for Henry to pull it back into his own path. Henry doesn’t look at Lalas to laugh with him, he looks at the camera to laugh at him with all of us at home. Lalas does his best to salvage the moment by doing some weird little jig thing, clearly having attended the Ashlee Simpson School of Playing Off A Brutally Embarrassing Moment on Television.
This, friends, is bullying. It’s righteous bullying. It’s hilarious bullying. But it is bullying nonetheless. Henry excludes Lalas from the game and then turns to the popular crowd – the rest of us – to laugh at his expense. Lalas would be excluded from this surely because he couldn’t hang with Henry and Zlatan, but Henry didn’t even give him a chance.
Lalas is, of course, a bully himself. So this is a good lesson from Thierry Henry in how to deal with those types sometimes.
Two down. Only Rebecca Lowe remains. Will she maintain her composure until the final or will we see the otherwise unflappable Lowe break character for the first time in her career?
They Stepped On His Ballsack
Professional athletes are often too media trained to make for good interviews. It’s always “yeah, no, it was a great team effort” or “No, yeah, obviously it’s a difficult game against good opposition,” etc.
So the moments of honesty really feel special when you get them.
New Zealand’s Ben Old gave a post-game interview after they were defeated by Egypt. Old described a clash with Egypt’s Yassir Ibrahim that ended with Old in a vulnerable position.
““I’ve touched the ball and I feel like he’s fouled me. As he’s gone to fall down, he’s fallen down on my ballsack and ripped my shorts and underwear,” Old said.
Old said he was, understandably, “freaking out.” But, don’t worry, he’s been checked by a doctor and he’s fine.
This Version of Belgium Isn’t Golden At All
It’s a trope at this point. I’ve seen it in memes and Instagram reels: Every major tournament over the past 10 years, offering up Belgium as the “sneaky” contenders for the game. For much of the 2010s and into the 2020s, Belgium was ranked as the number 1 team by FIFA. A tiny country that housed brain-spinning talent like Kevin de Bruyne, Eden Hazard, Thibaut Courtois, Jan Vertonghen, Toby Alderweirald, Vincent Kompany, Romelu Lukaku, Marouane Fellaini and, of course, Nacer Chadli.
A few of those names are still there, but they seem more like painful reminders of what never was for Belgium and what looks increasingly likely won’t be for quite some time. Belgium has been frustrating to watch not because of the beautiful on-field talent, but because of the guys put in charge of organizing them and giving them instructions. Current Belgium boss Rudi Garcia’s highest honor is a Ligue 1 title with Lille at a time before PSG was the de facto winner every year, and a series of runner-up finishes in other competitions with other clubs. Before that, it was Roberto Martinez, who had managed to fail upward in the English league despite a few FA cup wins and an overperforming Everton.
It’s sad watching Belgium right now, because with each uninspiring game and reminder that the likes of Kevin de Bruyne are now positively geriatric at almost-35, you’re watching the door slam shut on an era that should’ve brought so much more. And now Belgium just has to wait until it’s given another golden generation and hope that someone more capable is put in charge of them.
It Turns Out Cape Verde Means Business
Congratulations to America’s Team, Cape Verde, after their second win of the tournament: A stunning 2-2 win over Uruguay after their shocking 0-0 win over Spain in the opening match of the tournament. We figured it was a fluke. We thought Spain just hadn’t switched on yet – which still might be true, considering they took their anger out on Saudi Arabia in the next game. Now level with Uruguay on points and with only Saudi Arabia to face, it’s actually possible that they make it out of the group and continue to win over the hearts of neutral viewers thanks to endearing characters like 40-year-old goalkeeper Vozinha.
With this win, though, I’d like to take this opportunity to shine a light on the other side of that Uruguay/Cape Verde matchup, specifically in the Uruguay dugout.
Uruguay manager Marcelo Bielsa is one of the most storied and celebrated managers of all time. The Argentinian has managed on the club level and national level for Argentina. He’s done stints in La Liga, Ligue 1, Serie A and most recently the Premier League with Leeds before taking the Uruguay job.
I’m talking about Bielsa because it’s important to know his connection to U.S. men’s coach Mauricio Pochettino. Another Argentinian, Pochettino grew up in the small town of Murphy, Argentina. The story goes that a then-13 year old Pochettino was being scouted by Newell’s Old Boys. Bielsa, then a scout for the club, apparently showed up to the Pochettino household at 2 in the morning. I imagine it was storming. I imagine a clap of thunder and shock of lightning lit the figure in the doorway, adding to much more mystery and suspense. Bielsa, and shrouded in mystery and in my imagination also a literal shroud, asked about their son. Pochettino’s parents told Bielsa that their son was sleeping, as he was a child and it was 2 in the morning, so Bielsa did what any good scout would do. He asked if he could just take a peek at their son’s legs. Mr. and Mrs. Pochettino allowed this.
This is all true, by the way. It’s in a book about Pochettino and he’s told the story numerous times.
Apparently Bielsa liked what he saw, and Pochettino joined Newell’s Old Boys, setting him on the path for his playing career across Argentina and Europe and managing some of the biggest clubs in the world and now leading the stars and stripes in their home World Cup.
The takeaway, I guess, is that Bielsa’s managerial success can be attributed to the trust people have in him. It takes a tremendous amount of faith to allow the man who shows up to your house at 2 in the morning to see your son’s legs.
But, maybe he just doesn’t have that juice anymore, and that’s why we’re seeing Uruguay held to a stalemate by a team like Cape Verde. In fairness, Bielsa probably didn’t get a chance to peep at these players’ legs before he picked them.
It Just Feels Better to Watch Messi
I couldn’t believe he missed the penalty. The greatest of all time, and he shanked it wide of the post. It seemed impossible.
But then, about a half hour later, Argentina was on the break with Facundo Medina with the ball out wide. He crosses into the box, (I think) Lisandro Martinez lets it go between his legs, and Messi sweeps it home. It’s beautiful, and suddenly the missed penalty is not only forgotten, you’re grateful that Lionel Messi didn’t just become the all-time leading goal scorer in World Cup history on a penalty kick – in the stadium of the Dallas Cowboys no less.
It’s called style.
There is the eternal Messi vs. Ronaldo debate. Well, it’s not eternal because this era will come to an end, regardless of whatever longevity exercises Ronaldo seems to be doing and whatever divine light Messi has received from birth. The understanding is that this is kind of the last dance for them both in their leadership capacity for their respective teams. Messi, trying to go back to back with Argentina, the country that worships him. Ronaldo, trying to, I don’t know, pad his stats for himself.
I can’t hide my bias here. I’m a Messi guy. How could you not be a Messi guy when you watch them both? To distill their differences to one game, all you had to do was watch Ronaldo desperately try to find a goal in Portugal’s opener against the Democratic Republic of Congo, pulling defenders back into positions that kept teammates from scoring, and rendered generally useless due to a lack of service to him.
Thierry Henry went in on Ronaldo in the post-game broadcast, saying that the goal is for the team to score, not for an individual to score. With Messi, even when he’s breaking a record individually, you get this sense that he’s doing it for something far greater than himself. He’s simply the conduit for Argentina’s greatness. The rest of the team was desperate to feed him the ball in dangerous positions to get him this record. And Messi recently came out and said that his father has been going through health concerns throughout all of this, adding yet another layer to the narrative that Messi is doing this for a lot of someones other than himself.
With Ronaldo, when his goals finally did come against the mighty Uzbekistan, the vibe was different. Again, maybe I’m coming at this from the Messi side of the aisle so I’m just fundamentally incapable of feeling connected to what the Ronaldo stans feel. But, I don’t know, when you’re celebrating being a decoy before a free kick that your teammate scores as if you were the one who did it, it just kind of says everything.
*fart noise*
Ronaldo narcissist? What a concept.
Don’t Get Too Comfortable With Philadelphia’s Welcoming Nature
France came to Philadelphia and all they got was the first ever weather delay due to thunderstorms in World Cup History. Philadelphia has a way of forcing itself to be the main character in things. It tends to find itself on the national spotlight usually due to something that feeds the media narrative that the entire city is unwelcoming and brutish. Well, the joke is on them, because this time it wasn’t the people of Philadelphia. It was the weather.
Congratulations to Philadelphia for etching itself into the history books as the first World Cup game that was delayed due to thunderstorms during the match between France and Iraq this past week. Even when the emerging golden boy of the sport, Kylian Mbappé comes to town, the skies above were uncaring and unrelenting. It was funny watching a World Cup game and being able to say, “Boy it’s really raining down there. I guess it’s going to start raining here soon, too.” And boy did it.
On the whole, it seems like tourists are quite taken with Philadelphia, which makes me happy. It’s been fun being in the city and interacting with fans from all over.
That said, it’s a helpful reminder that there are limits to Philadelphia’s kindness. Don’t take the sunniness for granted. It’s not always like this.
Today’s Snakes and Sparklers musical guest is Ceremony.