Which Fictional Detective Would Be The Best Addition to 'True Detective'
Who would you want in the Night Country?
Before we get into this week’s fun, here’s a plug for some recent published work. I did the 10-year retrospective for Modern Baseball’s “You’re Gonna Miss It All” for Stereogum. I love Stereogum, I love working with Stereogum whenever I can, and I was happy they let me write about this album and the place in time it occupies. You can read that here.
My friend has had this running bit where he talks about the NFL like it’s a scripted TV drama, and has been doing this long before “The Script” became a conspiracy theory. Yes, there always were and always will be people who talked about the NFL being rigged, but it was the way he talked about the Super Bowl as the “season finale,” etc., that always made me laugh.
Running with that bit, I joked that the NFL realized it was struggling so it had to bring in a big celebrity cameo for the end of its season, as so many struggling TV shows have done before it, and that’s why we have a whole subreddit called r/TravisAndTaylor now.
I’ve been watching the new season of “True Detective” on HBO. I loved the first season, like everyone else. I feel like I should revisit the second season because I didn’t really get into it at the time, like a lot of people. I thought the third season was solid and generally will enjoy whatever Mahershala Ali does. And for this season, I was excited to hear it would be in Alaska during the dark winter months, because it meant the landscape would lend itself well to the spooky vibes much like the creepy South did for season 1. Much like the cliche about how New York is really a character in some TV and movies, these settings were as integral as the actors portraying the detective partnership. (Which, I still believe for season 5, should be Tim Robinson and Sam Richardson.)
With this Sunday being the big finale, I think I’m firmly in the It’s OK camp on the show. There have been episodes I’ve liked, I’m engaged with the mystery enough to see how it plays out, but I have my complaints. I’m not so much a TV critic as I am a guy who likes riffing, so I feel like my input on the show would be more suited for, say, ranking other fictional detectives who the producers could theoretically drop into the show for the finale, and assessing whether they would benefit or detract from the show overall.
So, let’s get into it.
Ice-T in ‘Law and Order’
There’s that Mulaney bit where he talks about how Ice-T’s character in “SVU” is always confused about the criminals’ activity.
“Yeah, Ice, he’s a pedophile. You work in the sex crimes division. You’re gonna have to get used to that.”
I would love Ice to get dropped into pitch-black Ennis and just respond to everything with absolute confusion. “You mean these dudes went out in the middle of the night and froze to death?” “You mean these dudes just sit in that research lab all day and drink and watch ‘Ferris Bueller?’”
He would contribute very little to the actual crime solving, and he might prove redundant with Kali Reis already playing the “Different Kind of Bad Cop” to Jodie Foster’s “Bad Cop.”
Jessica Fletcher from ‘Murder, She Wrote’
My grandparents loved “Murder, She Wrote,” so therefore I watched “Murder, She Wrote” when I was at their house (which was often). The thing I remember the most about the show is that Jessica Fletcher is always trying to do something other than solve a mystery, like go on vacation, but inevitably someone gets murdered and she has to solve the whole damn thing, and that it always seems like some random distant relative is always involved.
So, Aunt Jess would be in Ennis during the holidays to visit some random great-nephew or whatever when the shit goes down, and thus her relaxing Alaskan vacation would be ruined. They not only would have to spring for casting the late Angela Lansbury, but they’d have to also introduce her random family, too, and then you’re just throwing characters at a show to hope it makes sense, and then you have “Lost.”
Sherlock Holmes
For the sake of this exercise, I’m going with Cumberbatch’s Sherlock. And this would be absolutely insufferable. Whole entire episodes would be devoted to him and Jodie Foster going back and forth yelling at each other that they’re asking the wrong question and just speaking in dumb detective rhetoric. I’d hate every second. Watson would be drinking whiskey out of a coffee mug with Kenny Powers’ brother in the police station just to ease the suffering.
Magnum, P.I.
Effective, but underdressed for the climate.
Daniel Craig in ‘Knives Out’
Would love to hear him Foghorn Leghorn it up in the darkness of Ennis, Alaska. He wouldn’t be able to wear as much seersucker or linen suits, though, and that would detract from the experience, in my opinion.
But, man, he might put on a totally different menswear clinic in Alaska. So, maybe this would work.
Batman
He is the night, after all. But, unfortunately, he’d end up just kicking the shit out of everyone and never solving anything. Rich guy Batman knocking out climate protestors’ teeth would be a bad look.
Scooby-Doo
This might actually work. I think he’d understand and respect the supernatural element of the show, and be appropriately afraid of whoever “She” is and the fact that she’s awake. Just like Jodie Foster has to whip her inept police force into shape, she’d have to get Scoob to come out from hiding/stop eating to solve the mystery. The soundtrack would also be full of awesome ‘70s power-pop instead of Billie Eillish.
But, I think the number-one addition to “True Detective” for its finale in terms of entertainment factor as well as actual mystery-solving effectiveness would have to be:
Adrian Monk
I just started watching “Monk,” actually. That’s what prompted this whole exercise. I watched the latest episode of “True Detective,” and then decided to start watching Monk, and just pictured him in the “True Detective” universe. I watched “Psyche,” and this is basically just “Psyche” before USA made “Psyche.” USA really had a thing for unorthodox detectives working alongside but separate from the police force, which they were once affiliated with to some degree, and the by-the-book police officer who doesn’t get their methods but respects the results.
Monk would be so funny in “Night Country.” The frozen bodies slowly thawing in the town ice rink? How messy everyone’s house is? That nice dude seemingly not brushing his teeth because Reis’ character stole his toothbrush and didn’t buy him a new one for like six episodes?
Monk would not do well in the Night Country. But he’d also solve the case in like … I don’t know, five minutes, and then he would get back to cleaning the entire town of Ennis, Alaska from head to toe. The city would be better off, the show would be better off, and maybe the franchise would start anew with Adrian Monk as one half of the detective axis for season 5.
Today’s Snakes and Sparklers musical guest is Restorations.