A Philadelphian's Welcome to LeBron James
Some knowledge that might help you in your new career here in the best city on Earth.
Hello, LeBron James. On behalf of the whole city of Philadelphia, let me be the very first to welcome you and express how thrilled we are that you’re joining our 76ers. Those Process years sure were hard, but having you on the team makes all of the frustration over Ben Simmons and forced excitement over guys like Michael Carter-Williams worth it.
I know you’ve played plenty of games here in Philly over your career, but going from the hotel to the arena is no way to see the city. So, again on behalf of all of Philadelphia, I’d like to pass along some local knowledge that will help you in your time here.
They Don’t Film Always Sunny Here Anymore
It used to be that you’d occasionally see them filming some scenes here, but they haven’t done any shooting in Philly for years. The show has realistically jumped the shark and it’s kind of like, “OK, who’s this for at this point?” but yet the gravy train rolls. I know you were just in LA, so you may have seen them film there, but don’t get excited if you’re around Logan Circle or the Italian Market or something and think there’s a chance of running into the set. M. Night does still film here. I saw him on set of that Apple TV show he did in Rittenhouse. Little guy. I’m sure you’ll see plenty of him courtside now, so you don’t even have to hope to run into him while he’s directing.
They do, however, film Task and Mare of Easttown around here—mostly in the suburbs. If you can work on your Delco accent a little, they’d probably write you a part. I think that’d be a real thrill for both the crew and the viewers. People love those shows. They love them so much that they’re doing crossover episodes, thus creating a Delco Cinematic Universe, or “DCU” for short.
You Can See the Liberty Bell from Outside
Do not pay for the Liberty Bell. You might be tempted to go see it what with having more time to kill around here, and playing for a team that uses it in its imagery, but it’s not worth the price of admission. You can see it from outside in the glass. I have walked by it countless times, and every time I see a big line of people waiting to pay to see it, when I can see it perfectly well through the perfectly clear glass walls of the room it’s housed in, I think they are suckers. You are not a sucker, LeBron. Don’t spend your money on the Liberty Bell.
Also, there’s a livestream of it, so you can see it from the comfort of home if you really decide you need to look at it right away.
What Is Jawn and When Do You Use It?
While you’re working on your local slang, you’re probably wondering about “jawn.”
“Brendan,” you ask, “What exactly does ‘jawn’ mean and when do I use it?”
You’re not alone in asking this, Bron. Don’t worry. It’s very simple:
“Jawn” is a catch-all word for just about every noun, as in “Pass me that jawn” or “I don’t like that jawn.” The correct time to use it is never.
That Commute from NYC Is Going to Get Old
So, you’ve decided to do the NYC to Philly commute, huh? That’s OK. Look, I know you like books, so the train ride will be a nice time to get some reading done. You might try that for a few months, but eventually you’ll start to get annoyed with potential train delays at 30th, or being stuck in Secaucus, NJ for track maintenance or something. We’ve all been there.
Plus, like so many people in New York City, you’ll no doubt get priced out or worn out by the hustle and bustle eventually, and you’ll move somewhere like Fishtown or Grad Hospital or “Olde Kensington” like everyone else.
I do understand the draw of New York City, and how Philly might feel second-rate. Let’s just say I saw plenty of NYU sweatshirts while I was at Temple.
Once you realize how much easier it is to ride the subway down to the arena for games, and PATCO or even the ferry over to Camden for practice, I think you’ll want to get a place here.
What’s that? You’re taking a helicopter every day? That seems like a bad idea.
You Will Be Hit By a Car
Once you get a place in Philly, you’ll probably want to start biking around. It’s the best and most reliable form of transportation in the city, and I hear that you’re already a guy who likes a good bike ride, so that’s perfect.
Like New York has all of its dumb rules about when or how you become a “Real New Yorker,” one of the ways to fast-track yourself to becoming a bona fide Philadelphian is to be hit by a car while riding a bike. I have been hit multiple times. Plenty of my friends have been hit multiple times. Our unprotected bike lanes and hostile drivers are one of the many charms of the city that you’ll come to love.
As Soon as You Lose One Game You Are Going to Hear the Dumbest People in the World Say You Suck
I know you’ve had disappointing games and even disappointing seasons, but they were in Cleveland, Miami and Los Angeles. Miami and Los Angeles are cities with plenty to do outside of sports, like be an influencer or get sunburnt. If things went bad on the court, it wasn’t the be-all-end-all. People mostly forgot or never even saw it in the first place.
Cleveland has so little of anything, including sports, that even if you shit the bed they are still relatively cool with you because they were just grateful you were there. It’s something the entire city should deal with in therapy, really. No one should be that forgiving of abuse for that long.
Philadelphia is neither of those things. The city and its people don’t have enough going on that they could simply ignore poor performances, but it also has enough going on that people won’t just be grateful you’re here by default. Philly fans, too, need a good dose of therapy, beginning with everyone who speaks on the radio or television.
I unfortunately fear we may be the city that breaks you, LeBron. I worry that Philadelphia is the one that ends your charmed career of winning everywhere you go, and we will go down in history as such. It will be the ultimate test to see if the ultimate winner can overpower the ultimate loser energy, to out-muscle the gravitational pull of self-destruction created by generations of Philadelphians romanticizing being terrible as a righteous suffering.
Unstoppable force, unmovable object, etc.
Do not listen to them, LeBron. You were in Space Jam 2 and you deserve all of the good things that have happened to you in life. The upside to this is that it will give you plenty of material to practice your Delco accent.
The reality is that the city has just been burnt so many times. We Sixers fans have felt like we’ve been at the end of The Process about 10 times now, and each time we’ve just been humiliated and had to take a bunch of steps backward. We’ve suffered greatly, and a lot of people are just putting up emotional walls to protect themselves from getting hurt again. It’s not really about you, LeBron. It’s about them. But therapy is expensive. It’s infinitely cheaper and easier to call into a radio broadcast and air your grievances. That’s the nature of America right now, unfortunately, but you already know all about that.
Welcome to Philadelphia, call me if you need anything.
Brendan
Today’s Snakes and Sparklers musical guest is Dinosaur Jr.