A Collection Of Things The Algorithm Thinks I Would Like
A Collection Of Things The Algorithm Thinks I Would Like
It’s the “thought” that counts
Real quick before the fun – Esquire asked me to do their quarterly best-of podcasts lists this year. My first batch just went up last week, and you can read that here.
There’s all this talk about how AI is so smart, and how the computers will eventually take all of our jobs – specifically all of the jobs in the arts and creative endeavors, leaving us the physical labor instead of letting the robots dig the holes and letting us create and enjoy art.
From the perspective of someone whose livelihood depends on my ability to write a cohesive, if not catchy, sentence, this sucks! When I was getting ready to go to college to study film (because I also wanted to make “Clerks” and/or skate videos), I already weighed the option of switching to journalism (i.e. knew deep down that I’d do this anyway). I told some of my parents’ friends that I would maybe do that, and they all responded largely the same way:
That’s not a bad idea. Every business needs someone who can write. Even if you don’t write for a newspaper or magazine every business needs a good writer, and they’re hard to come by.
Well, now all of that is just outsourced to the robots, and even while I am one of the lucky few employed in journalism and journalism-adjacent fields, it’s scary that writing for virtually any business is no longer a safety net should the axe of media layoffs eventually ever come for me.
This is to say nothing of the algorithms, which now dictate the way we watch things, listen to things, find things, etc. It replaces the organic discovery methods like relying on friends with good (or at least interesting) taste in things to tell you what you should check out (to mixed results.)
The computers can do everything.
One of the weird facts of living in the present age is that the computers are also always listening. If you start online shopping for a new bike, your social media feeds will magically fill themselves with ads for bikes. If you so much as mention to your friend that you’re in the market for a new blender, suddenly your timeline is fewer friends, more blenders. The computers are watching and listening.
But, they still haven’t nailed it.
They’re sort of like your sweet, well-meaning grandparent who wants to get you that thing you were talking about at dinner, but can’t quite remember it. Or, maybe, it remembers the nuts and bolts of what you were once interested in, but something got lost in translation.
I’ve been keeping track of what the algorithm suggests for me. A lot of it is things I do want, like expensive cameras. It’s also a lot of things I have never once said I want.
Here is a sampling of things that the computer overlords have on their shopping list for me:
Squirrel Hand Puppet
17-String Fretless Bass
Ghillie Suit
Some Sort of Evil Nuclear Henchman Suit
Saddam Hussein Watch
30 Hot Dog Capacity Roller
Nostalgia Extra-Large Diner-Style Coca-Cola Hot Dog Steamer and Bun Warmer
Hot Dog Dinosaur
Faberge Egg
Giant Gatorades, Prison Toilet/Sink Combo, Disposable HAZMAT Mask
George H.W. Bush Baseball Card (would pair nicely with Saddam watch)
LED Radar Speed Display
Original 1955 Disneyland Park-used Railroad Train Wheel 166 Lbs
Laminate Wood Commercial Grade Trash Receptacle With Tray…
Wizard Costume
Beach House Toilet Seat
This Chair
Vehicle for My New Henchman Career
SpongeBob SquarePants High Back Upholstered Chair
What does this all mean? Well, in the future, when we’re all worried about robot uprisings and using various tests to determine who is real and who is a cyborg, you can rest assured that your parents’ and grandparents’ brains aren’t failing as a result of old age when they get you a weird gift: They’re just a robot.
Today’s Snakes and Sparklers musical guest is Adrianne Lenker